My gift for Wayne

Pow, two posts in one day, I'm going on DYNAMO!

This here post is a little something I wrote for my friend Wayne, written in the style of his angry blog about things he doesn't like, it's about wishing people happy birthday on Facebook-

Happy birthday. The art of wishing happy birthday on Facebook can often be an infuriating task. With a million different birthday wishes beneath yours what chance do you have of getting noticed?

This conundrum leaves you with a few, albeit all equally cunty, options-

1. The comedy message
Kooky friends will often leave a message along the lines of 'happy burpday" these people are the worst human beings alive. It's not funny, it's certainly not clever and it makes no sense. Just because 'burp' sounds vaguely like 'birth' doesn't mean it can be an appropriate substitute, even for comedy purposes. This is the Little Britain of birthday messages.

2. The bromance message
A sinister trend has spread through the internet recently, and that's the art of treating a male friend as you would a female friend. THIS MUST BE STOPPED. Writing something like "Happy Birthday brother, we're gonna have a wicked night, come round to mine for hugs and beer xx" is just a bit gay. Sorry, that's not meant in a homophobic way, it's just that nowadays men seem to be throwing their masculinity down the drain and I don't like it. Boys aren't supposed to be nice to each other, they're supposed to be constantly insulting, that's what creates a lasting friendship, not all this nancy boy bullshit. (By the way I'm aware that I used the reprehensible term "bromance" there. Next time you see me, stab me.)

3. The generic happy birthday
This final option is the least offensive but also the most boring. When in doubt one can simply say "happy birthday, have a good day mate", but how soulless is that? You might as well just mail a blank piece of paper with a solitary "birthday" written on it. Cunt.

So what to do? I think the best way to wish somebody a happy birthday is by making up a hallmark-esque limerick.
Something like-
Waney Waney it's time to celebrate,
the good times have started, they won't abate,
now you’re getting old, there's no debate,
you were 27, now you're 28,
but you're still fresh like an Andy dubplate
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATE!

Return to Castle Blogosphere

A funny thing just happened. There I was, minding my own business reading another person's blog, and suddenly I felt compelled to click on the orange-clad 'B' that resides in the top corner of the screen, like a siren's song it called to me "cliiick, cliiick, cliiick", so I did.

Then, with a flash of light so bright you couldn't even see it, I found myself here, in the heart of my very own blog!

So it seems that back in 2007 I tried my hand at a bit of blogging, God knows how I managed to even write one post, being the laziest man alive comes with many hindrances, lacking the motivation to complete even the smallest of tasks being one of them.

So I’m going to treat this incident as an act of fate, I think the B was calling me, I think it’s my destiny to reignite my blog, and when it starts burning there’ll be a fire, a fire so strong, so hot, and so dangerous, the whole internet will take notice! Quite.

As I teased at the end of my first blog, I don’t intend for this to simply be a page of indulgence, along with opinions on nothing, I hope to also force upon you my thoughts regarding exciting and original topics the likes of: Music! Films! Comics! My unwavering hate for the world!

So there it is, I’M BACK.

My first blog

Blogger. Blogging. Blog. Silly words for silly people.
As I begin to write this I can literally feel a Geek Pie sprouting from atop my head. It's all a bit Nathan Barley methinks. Don't get me wrong I like writing, it's not the writing that makes me feel weird it's the blogging. To be honest I always thought blogging was a bit arsey, something that was cool and exciting at first, but then became over-saturated and swamped with rubbish. A bit like the human race. I mean, who reads these things? Are there seriously people who lurch over their keyboards sweating anxiously as they await Darkside_Pikachu's scintillating new entry over how hard it is to pull girls if your spots have applied for planning permission on your face? Fuck it's happening already! I sound like a cunt!

In my first paragraph I've insulted the platform on which I'm speaking and also potential readers! What next? Rig a roving army of computer viruses to infect anyone who clicks on this page? Perhaps it's time for some humility.

Ray Fun Fact
I'm an idiot.
I'm the kind of guy who meets someone, scans them from head to toe and thinks "this person looks like a right loser" most of the time I'm proved instantly wrong and said person is usually really fun/friendly/cool etc thus forcing me to eat humble pie. ( Let me just add that if you're reading this and you know me what I just described definitely didn't happen when I met you, I always thought you were cool. Promise.)

A subsidiary of this idiocy is the inability to be recommended something by a real live person. If I read or just generally hear about something it's all good but if it's directly from someone's personal opinion box then it's all over. Seriously nothing makes my heart sink more than someone saying "Hey, let me play you this tune I heard, it's really good"
I really don't know why I'm like this. Once again I'm often wrong.

Being a weirdo I'm now starting to question my motivation for writing this so-called blog. I've also decided that everytime I write the word blog it's gonna be in italics. Blog.

Ok I'm pretty much just typing gibberish now so I'll close by saying I like writing, I've studied journalism, want to write a comic-book-trendy indie film-money spinning Hollywood blockbuster and when I tell people about my aspirations they normally say I should write a blog. So here it is.

Next time I might try and write about something interesting as opposed to giving you justifiable reasons to sever all ties with me immediately.