My gift for Wayne

Pow, two posts in one day, I'm going on DYNAMO!

This here post is a little something I wrote for my friend Wayne, written in the style of his angry blog about things he doesn't like, it's about wishing people happy birthday on Facebook-

Happy birthday. The art of wishing happy birthday on Facebook can often be an infuriating task. With a million different birthday wishes beneath yours what chance do you have of getting noticed?

This conundrum leaves you with a few, albeit all equally cunty, options-

1. The comedy message
Kooky friends will often leave a message along the lines of 'happy burpday" these people are the worst human beings alive. It's not funny, it's certainly not clever and it makes no sense. Just because 'burp' sounds vaguely like 'birth' doesn't mean it can be an appropriate substitute, even for comedy purposes. This is the Little Britain of birthday messages.

2. The bromance message
A sinister trend has spread through the internet recently, and that's the art of treating a male friend as you would a female friend. THIS MUST BE STOPPED. Writing something like "Happy Birthday brother, we're gonna have a wicked night, come round to mine for hugs and beer xx" is just a bit gay. Sorry, that's not meant in a homophobic way, it's just that nowadays men seem to be throwing their masculinity down the drain and I don't like it. Boys aren't supposed to be nice to each other, they're supposed to be constantly insulting, that's what creates a lasting friendship, not all this nancy boy bullshit. (By the way I'm aware that I used the reprehensible term "bromance" there. Next time you see me, stab me.)

3. The generic happy birthday
This final option is the least offensive but also the most boring. When in doubt one can simply say "happy birthday, have a good day mate", but how soulless is that? You might as well just mail a blank piece of paper with a solitary "birthday" written on it. Cunt.

So what to do? I think the best way to wish somebody a happy birthday is by making up a hallmark-esque limerick.
Something like-
Waney Waney it's time to celebrate,
the good times have started, they won't abate,
now you’re getting old, there's no debate,
you were 27, now you're 28,
but you're still fresh like an Andy dubplate
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATE!